I Want to Touch the Sun

Everyone is looking for answers. We all go to extraordinary lengths to puzzle and figure out questions that frustrate and confound us. Even the most laidback individual suffers from uncertainty. How we cope with uncertainty is different for everyone. No one has the same exact "opiate," to borrow a phrase from a friend.

For me, I have constantly had to struggle with uncertainty. I am a control freak. There is no question of that. I want to know anything and everything about as much as I can. Knowledge is power and, even more, it is solace. A trusty shield from the dangers and pain inflicted upon the naive and unaware. It's no wonder I shy away from childishness; is there a figure more valued for naivete?

This struggle has encompassed different aspects of my life. Personal and social. Spiritual. The latter is the one weighing on my mind right now. I had an interesting conversation with a girl on Facebook the other night. She asked me about my beliefs. I told her that I believed in God but also in keeping an open-mind, for nothing is absolutely certain in this life. She responded by questioning whether I was okay with being uncertain about what would happen to me when I die.

An interesting and disturbing question. One I try not to think about. I believe in God, in a heaven and a hell. I believe in the dynamic nature of God, his perfection and his might. His love. From there, confusion sets in. How can it not, though, with all the different denominations warring for supremacy in the name of the Lord? Each one believing that their faith is the true and right faith...

It's no wonder I'm wary of churches and organized religion. I call myself a Christian because I have no specific Protestant faith nor any desire to claim one. God is wonderful. Church...can go either way. It depends on who you go to church with. So terrible, yet so true. The good news is that God doesn't care if you go to church, only if you believe in him. There are further requirements, of course, but that's the most fundamental one.

I have and will always believe that faith is a relationship between an individual and God. No one can dictate what you're supposed to say to or do with God but you, for your beliefs are your own and will only form when you are willing to accept them. Also, while I cherish the overall messages in the Bible, I don't believe in it word for word. People wrote it. And people are imperfect and easily swayed towards sin. Does that mean I don't ever think that I'm wrong or that I'm sinning by not believing everything the Bible says? No. Truthfully, there's a part of me that's terrified for my soul and wants to stop rationalizing and just start believing.

But faith isn't easy. Especially not for me. I've always had God in my life, even before I really knew who he was and what I thought about him. Despite that, life has made me suspicious and proud. Releasing control is my biggest issue. The idea terrifies me...to lay down all my worries and just expect him to take care of them? A leap of faith. Necessary yet so hard.

There has been progress, though, and that comforts me. I can't bring myself to believe that the God I love and cherish, the one who loves all his children for who they are, is just a figment of my earth-loving imagination. That goes against my very core...the soul-deep contentment I feel at times when the sun is shining just right or when I'm choking down tears during a moment of revelation, where everthing that I've been blessed with in life is made visible.

God is love. That I believe with all my heart. And I feel that if I just live according to the principle of love, and not hate, that all will work itself out. The rest will come with time and prayer.