Good Days

When do we learn to hate? I know that there are some who are convinced that things like psychopathy and criminal behavior are genetic and exist the moment we are born. There is certainly evidence. Yet a wise person should never discount the environment. What little of life I have been exposed to, in and outside of my studies, has taught me the value of looking at things from a holistic perspective. There is never one answer, one factor, one reason, that fully explains why people behave the way they do or why certain things happen. I do believe that one reason, one factor can come to have more influence than the others, however. Every individual's life is different and offers its own lesson for society.

But the tone of those lessons are shaped by the very society we contribute to. Norms and standards determine what is right and wrong, moral and immoral. People become pawns and actors on a great stage, enacting the progression of civilization. Or so some...many believe, consciously or not. I have such hope for this world, for humanity. I am a person who believes wholeheartedly in the goodness of mankind and the power of love and compassion. But there are times when the actions and words of others depress me to the point of hopelessness and anger. What have we learned from the past? Anything? Most days, I would say plenty, but there are times when the answer is nothing, for it seems we repeat the same mistakes over and over again.

A teacher told me that nothing is ever inevitable. There is always room for chance and uncertainty. I believe that. And yet. Sometimes it seems inevitable that people will look down on and belittle those who have the courage to be different. Those who refuse to conform to others' standards of right and wrong just to fit in. Those who live their lives simply, honestly, respectfully. Those who aren't obsessed with what is hot and popular but instead like what they like and aren't ashamed of it or worried about what others will think.

I have always tried to be true to myself, to not let other people's opinions sway me into acting like something or someone I am not. But I'm not perfect. There have been times when I've fallen prey to peer pressure and conformity. I'm not proud of it, but I am proud that I've always managed to realize my mistakes and correct them, to get back on the right path for myself. My heart aches for those who feel that they don't belong or fit in. Even more than that, however, I am angry that society has created the situations that lead to some feeling like outcasts while the majority judges those people.

I don't think we ever leave high school. At least, not mentally. High school can be the best or worst four years of a person's life. For all of us, it acts as a training ground for who we will become, as individuals and, more importantly, as fellow human beings. Unfortunately, this experiment has gone awry. Newly emerging adults are learning that you have to take sides and weigh your options between being yourself and being who society wants you to be. The unspoken reality is that those who don't end up choosing what's expected and acceptable become outcasts in and beyond high school. Some make it big and shove labels back in conformists' faces. Others become miserable and wish they had chosen differently. Everyone uses those experiences to form their identities. And there is always an acceptable and unacceptable standard to compare yourself against.

It has to stop. We aren't merchandise to be dressed up or down, to be neatly categorized into best-seller/flop labels. Everyone has something special and unique to bring to the table. Society is supressing those unique qualities. And we're letting it. Sure, we can argue we don't know any better, but it's a poor excuse. We know the difference between right and wrong, not the kind laid out to us by those intent on curbing deviance, but the kind that comes from human instinct. From our hearts.

It's a good day. I believe in and expect the best from everyone, especially myself. Here's to hoping for a lot of good days, in my and others' lives.

Ghosts

It was only ever supposed to be my pain. The truth in this statement, in my mind, in my heart...horrifies me. But it's true, nonetheless. Years have gone by, and the pain has withdrawn into a single, dully throbbing ache located somewhere in my heart. I no longer spend endless moments reflecting on it, only slightly more time reflecting on him. The past I have yet to stop falling prey to. Somehow, I've separated the two. There is him...and then there is all the rest.

Now I've invited another ghost, without meaning to, without ever wanting to. Another sad-eyed, lost little girl. There's a part of me that wants to be selfish and push her out, not wanting the added burden. Haven't I hurt enough? More importantly, haven't I suffered long enough? But she looks at me, and I am lost. All my feeble excuses and pitiful illusions melted into nothing. Just one glance. That's all it takes for me to realize just how successfully I have been deluding myself over the years. Because she is me...and yet not. So tragically similar, yet her own person, with her own story, her own ghosts, perhaps even her own hidden balls of hurt. I thought I was alone in this darkness. What to do?

And somehow, without my meaning to, without a thought for what I thought I wanted or needed, the little girl inside me, the one I keep locked away and lost in the darkest corner of this cavern, steps forward and takes the other girl's hand. No words are needed. And I'm the one left behind as the two disappear into the cavern, which is what I wanted, yet now...I'm the one that feels lost.