What Is My Word?

I’ve been given the blissful opportunity to read Eat, Pray, and Love. And since I’ve started reading it, all the stressful, uneven places inside me have started easing and settling back into their proper place, be that within me or somewhere completely outside of me. It feels like God is with me, smiling in that way that fathers do as their children act like…children. I’ve laughed. I’ve cried. I loved every minute. I can’t wait to go back for more.

But as with all good things, too much, at one time, can be bad. What a shame it would be to let something so wonderful come to an end so quickly. I intend to savor this book, this glimpse of living life according to my sought-after motto: Carpe Diem. A character said that every country, ever city, has its own word. Rome is SEX. How…delightful. But I am with the author in agreeing that it is not my word. Again, a shame. I find Rome, from what I’ve read of her, to be someone I would absolutely love to meet. Someone I intend to meet.

What is my word, then? The one that is not sought after but rather is expressed in, through, me? I struggle to find one that encapsulates and defines, succinctly and perfectly, just who and what I am. I can guess, come close. WORRY. That seems accurate, but I can also be lazy and uncaring or even peaceful and, dare I say it, serene. Perhaps PURSUE? It is true that for as long as I can remember, I have sought after things: comfort, knowledge, peace of mind, achievement, happiness, both mine and others’. My thinking is in line with that of the character Will Smith played in The Pursuit of Happiness: you might not ever really be happy, but it’s worthwhile to aspire to be happy, just as it is worthwhile, in my mind, to aspire to be a good person, to aspire to be knowledgeable, to aspire to live a meaningful life. Mind over matter, right? Yes, pursuits are definitely more closely related to what defines me, but there’s still a small sense of discord, of something not being right. It could be that pursuits are just too…complex and serious, though I think I am definitely both of those things. But isn’t everyone?

It frustrates me to not be able to settle on my word. Is it really such a surprise, though? I’m barely twenty-two years old; I have yet to even begin living my life. The time is fast approaching, however. I can feel it. And while I’m anxious and worried, there is a bigger part of me screaming YES! YES! FINALLY! I feel guilt over this, naturally. But that bigger part, again, wins. It tells me to stop being an idiot and accept that I have responsibilities, not just to others, but to myself. And myself…, and this is the part that equally fascinates and repels me, is more important. Imagine that! What is so funny (and so sad) is that my mother has been, essentially, telling me this for years. What do you want, Amanda? I’ve always struggled with the answer, mostly because I always thought too far ahead or of what the consequences would be. What I want is vague and disoriented, a jumble of thoughts and yearnings, dreams that I never dare let myself ponder too much lest reality burst in and dash any hope of their coming true. But what if I keep it simple? What do I want…now? The answer comes more easily. Right now, I want to not have to worry about disappointing my new church friends, to be able to speak frankly and honestly and reach a point where my stomach isn’t in knots over contemplating my certain eternal damnation if what they believe and profess is true. A truth that doesn’t ring true to me, at least not completely. And if I’m completely and totally honest, I want to not attend any more bible studies, to which more and more people from the church are joining to the point where I constantly feel put on the spot and miserable. And I want to tell them that and have them say that that is totally fine and YES we can still be sociable and happy seeing each other at church without my feeling that they are silently admonishing me for being stubborn and individualistic and hard-hearted. I want to graduate college. And, by God, my God, do I ever, want to GET AWAY AND TRAVEL. I want to eat and laugh and explore and cry and just absorb every drop of culture I can get.

I am an expert at adopting a philosophical, whatever-will-be-will-be attitude, but it is a sham. I always want to know what will happen, to prepare, to plan, so that I may PROCEED. Now there’s a word. A pursuit is something that follows something or someone and is always tied to something else. It can be desperate, long-suffering, annoying, enlightening, but there’s always this sense that you’re missing out on something, that you’re always a step behind. Indeed, I’ve always felt a step behind in my life. Granted, that’s my own fault. I spend far too much time musing and brooding over things that are over and done with. Now consider the various definitions of “proceed”: to move/go forward or onward, to carry on, to continue some action or process, to go or come forth, to arise, originate, or result. It is synonymous with progress. When someone pursues something or someone, they are essentially chasing, trailing, or hunting it/them. And as long as the pursuit is ongoing, they are that tragic, frustrating step behind. Yes, I definitely prefer the word PROCEED.

So I’m going to make it my word, for now. Even if it doesn’t quite fit, I’m going to aspire to it. The rest can figure itself out. And isn’t that a wonderful sentiment? This time, I’m going to do my best to make it true and, more importantly, long-lasting.

Sincerely,
Myself

Transparent

I've always thought of glass when I think of God and his presence. In my mind, he is a warm ray of light that falls from the heavens and shines through all of us that would allow him entry. Not only that, but I see myself and others as transparent panes of glass, completely open and visible to his sight. Nothing can be hidden from him. In my lowest moments, the idea brings on feelings of fear and shame. I focus on all of the bad, sinful things I have done and imagine him frowning in disappointment. But what kind of way is that to live?

What I know about God...is very little. Beyond declaring his existence, my stance has always been that he is too vast and complex for any human mind to grasp. I want to say that it is out of respect for his perfection, yet there are times when I wonder if it is more out of a desire to ignore any responsibility that I have to do better, be better.

What is right? What is wrong? More importantly, what is truth? I've been told to not rely on my own wisdom or feelings, but how does anyone live their life when nothing of what they think or feel can be relied upon? It seems a miserable half-life to me. What my mind tells me is that no creator would endow human beings with an intellect and the ability to make decisions if he didn't want them to draw their own conclusions. If he didn't want them to have options or to choose him. We're not born loving God. We have to be introduced to him and find him on our own once we are made aware of him. That to me is what makes faith such a powerful thing. It's not easy or automatic. We choose to have faith, to believe in God, which is why the Bible speaks of the narrow road and gate.

It's never easy...but it can be easier for some than others. For myself, I struggle with being, on the one hand, too emotional and afraid, and on the other, too rational and skeptical. Life is uncertain. Follow that train of thought and it leads to death being uncertain. My grandfather, the most devout man I have known in my life, admitted to me that he sometimes had the nagging suspicion that it was all a sham, that there was nothing out there, no God, no heaven or hell. But, and this is what struck me the most, why risk it? Why take the chance that there isn't anything and end up wrong and burning in hell. It's a grim prospect.

I don't want to be too afraid or stubborn that I damn myself and hide myself from God. But I struggle. For instance, Christianity itself, which is advertised as the true faith of the one true God, is a fledgling in comparison to other religions. The Creation story parallels creations stories from other, older cultures. It seems like a copy and paste job. Yet Christians preach that we must all convert or be damned. What of the cultures that have been worshipping different gods for centuries? They have to just accept that they're religion is wrong and convert. Seems simple...not.

I've found comfort and reassurance in reading the Bible. But it doesn't control my life the way it does others', the way those same others would say it should. I read it and see a lesson, a moral guideline that was created because God didn't want us to be wandering around blind. I don't see it is a God-made book of laws and commands, but rather as something that was divinely-inspired but in the end man-made. That in itself is a fine line to draw, because in a sense, it's thus open to interpretation but that could easily get out of hand. Again with the uncertainty. What both my heart and mind tell me is that God gives us clarity but not transparency. There is no black and white. We all exist in the grey, the in-between area where you have to test and probe and discover what there is to be discovered but, at the same time, be content with the fact that it will never all be clear. There will always be unknowing. God doesn't want mindless converts or followers...he wants to be chosen. And the only way to do that is to live...to make mistakes and grow. Physically, mentally, emotionally...spiritually. You have to take that leap of faith.

The size of that leap and the end destination isn't the same for everyone. We are all one body, of one unconsciousness that, to me, has divine origins. But one size does not fit all. Religion is very artificial in the sense that it exists and changes to suit its members. The fact that there are so many denominations is a source of frustration for many. For some, it is a disheartening thing, because so many are "in the wrong." But are they? Would God allow for the existence of other religions and damn the children that believe in them? I don't have the right to ask that question or expect an answer, but again, both my mind and my heart tell me that God is love and, as such, the answer must be no. Sure, pastafarians stretch the boundaries of freedom of religion but overall, I see God in many of them. Just with a different face, different names. Is that blasphemous? Maybe.

In the end, it all comes down to that leap of faith. For me, I want to touch the sun...to feel the light and have it surround me. But can I handle it? Time will tell. For now...there are three things to live by: faith, hope, and love. All are necessary. All are important. "But the greatest of these is love."