What Is My Word?

I’ve been given the blissful opportunity to read Eat, Pray, and Love. And since I’ve started reading it, all the stressful, uneven places inside me have started easing and settling back into their proper place, be that within me or somewhere completely outside of me. It feels like God is with me, smiling in that way that fathers do as their children act like…children. I’ve laughed. I’ve cried. I loved every minute. I can’t wait to go back for more.

But as with all good things, too much, at one time, can be bad. What a shame it would be to let something so wonderful come to an end so quickly. I intend to savor this book, this glimpse of living life according to my sought-after motto: Carpe Diem. A character said that every country, ever city, has its own word. Rome is SEX. How…delightful. But I am with the author in agreeing that it is not my word. Again, a shame. I find Rome, from what I’ve read of her, to be someone I would absolutely love to meet. Someone I intend to meet.

What is my word, then? The one that is not sought after but rather is expressed in, through, me? I struggle to find one that encapsulates and defines, succinctly and perfectly, just who and what I am. I can guess, come close. WORRY. That seems accurate, but I can also be lazy and uncaring or even peaceful and, dare I say it, serene. Perhaps PURSUE? It is true that for as long as I can remember, I have sought after things: comfort, knowledge, peace of mind, achievement, happiness, both mine and others’. My thinking is in line with that of the character Will Smith played in The Pursuit of Happiness: you might not ever really be happy, but it’s worthwhile to aspire to be happy, just as it is worthwhile, in my mind, to aspire to be a good person, to aspire to be knowledgeable, to aspire to live a meaningful life. Mind over matter, right? Yes, pursuits are definitely more closely related to what defines me, but there’s still a small sense of discord, of something not being right. It could be that pursuits are just too…complex and serious, though I think I am definitely both of those things. But isn’t everyone?

It frustrates me to not be able to settle on my word. Is it really such a surprise, though? I’m barely twenty-two years old; I have yet to even begin living my life. The time is fast approaching, however. I can feel it. And while I’m anxious and worried, there is a bigger part of me screaming YES! YES! FINALLY! I feel guilt over this, naturally. But that bigger part, again, wins. It tells me to stop being an idiot and accept that I have responsibilities, not just to others, but to myself. And myself…, and this is the part that equally fascinates and repels me, is more important. Imagine that! What is so funny (and so sad) is that my mother has been, essentially, telling me this for years. What do you want, Amanda? I’ve always struggled with the answer, mostly because I always thought too far ahead or of what the consequences would be. What I want is vague and disoriented, a jumble of thoughts and yearnings, dreams that I never dare let myself ponder too much lest reality burst in and dash any hope of their coming true. But what if I keep it simple? What do I want…now? The answer comes more easily. Right now, I want to not have to worry about disappointing my new church friends, to be able to speak frankly and honestly and reach a point where my stomach isn’t in knots over contemplating my certain eternal damnation if what they believe and profess is true. A truth that doesn’t ring true to me, at least not completely. And if I’m completely and totally honest, I want to not attend any more bible studies, to which more and more people from the church are joining to the point where I constantly feel put on the spot and miserable. And I want to tell them that and have them say that that is totally fine and YES we can still be sociable and happy seeing each other at church without my feeling that they are silently admonishing me for being stubborn and individualistic and hard-hearted. I want to graduate college. And, by God, my God, do I ever, want to GET AWAY AND TRAVEL. I want to eat and laugh and explore and cry and just absorb every drop of culture I can get.

I am an expert at adopting a philosophical, whatever-will-be-will-be attitude, but it is a sham. I always want to know what will happen, to prepare, to plan, so that I may PROCEED. Now there’s a word. A pursuit is something that follows something or someone and is always tied to something else. It can be desperate, long-suffering, annoying, enlightening, but there’s always this sense that you’re missing out on something, that you’re always a step behind. Indeed, I’ve always felt a step behind in my life. Granted, that’s my own fault. I spend far too much time musing and brooding over things that are over and done with. Now consider the various definitions of “proceed”: to move/go forward or onward, to carry on, to continue some action or process, to go or come forth, to arise, originate, or result. It is synonymous with progress. When someone pursues something or someone, they are essentially chasing, trailing, or hunting it/them. And as long as the pursuit is ongoing, they are that tragic, frustrating step behind. Yes, I definitely prefer the word PROCEED.

So I’m going to make it my word, for now. Even if it doesn’t quite fit, I’m going to aspire to it. The rest can figure itself out. And isn’t that a wonderful sentiment? This time, I’m going to do my best to make it true and, more importantly, long-lasting.

Sincerely,
Myself